Hello love! I’ve started doing Sacred Journey posts every Friday. It’s a place to vent about your week, share the things that filled you with so much joy that you just can’t keep it to yourself, ask for hugs, for love, for understanding. I have a bottomless Well of those things for you.
Especially the hugs.
It’s also the place where things get really deep and personal for me. Most of my blogs about my personal life have a theme, a lesson, or bit of advice and I love that I can take those experiences and provide you with wisdom from them. However, there are other life experiences that leave me just as lost and clueless as everyone else.
The Sacred Journey posts are where I show up and share my journey.
I talked last week about how I went and saw the Avengers and I had a great time. I went into the movie drooling over Mark Ruffalo aka the Hulk (I’ve loved him forever) and I came out with a huge crush on Hawkeye. I’m a bow and arrow kind of girl (ask me about my obsession with Legolas) and Thor and Iron Man… just… the hotness.
A few nights later I had a dream, and it was a very nice dream.
It starred my very own Captain America.
Not my first choice, or second, or third, but he’s a pretty good looking man (eye candy for you). In this dream he took me out on a date and it was wonderful. He was dressed all nice, went to dinner and he was polite, thoughtful, and well-mannered. When I got upset about our friends ditching us for the double date he put his hands on my shoulders and he was comforting. He was calm and stable and pretty wonderful. Great traits to have in boyfriend.
Except that in reality those traits scare the beejesus out of me.
During my first/last/only relationship
, it really wasn’t possible for us to go out on dates. In the two years that we were together we never went out to a restaurant together or really spent any significant amount of time together. A few days after having this dream I realized that thinking about it no longer gave me that happy/goofy “I had a dream about a cute guy” feeling.
It made me frustrated and sad.
And I know why.
I’m not going to be that girl in the dream.
I have commitment issues. I have gigantic commitment issues. I can commit to friends, to my job, to this website, but I can not commit to another person in a romantic way unless they are unable to commit to me back. Then it’s “safe”.
I’ve been that way since I was a teenager. The thing is, the thing that is most frustrating is, I don’t think I want to change. I don’t think that I want to go through the all of the inner work of getting over all of those issues and it leaves me feeling strange and left out of “normal”. It’s not how I am “supposed” to be. People are “supposed” to fall in love, have relationships, get married, and live happily ever after.
All in all, a very sweet dream left me feeling grumpy because I wish I wasn’t this way, but I also don’t want to change. So what’s a girl to do?
Go back to having dreams about zombies, hopefully.
So tell me sweetheart, what’s up with you this week? What are you up to? What are you reading/thinking/dreaming?
I totally agree, sometimes the best thing to do with things is give it a great big "F*ck it" and come back to it later, or not at all. I'm so glad that you're starting to feel the freedom of letting go. One of my words for the year is "surrender" and I believe there's a very great big lesson to be learned in letting go!
I hope your path continues to be clear and happy for you!
I have the complete opposite issue. I tend to make every male friendship romantic in my heart, unless I can categorize them as 'safe' somehow. I have trust issues stemming from my childhood. I can only truly open up if they are my one and only, my true love, my soulmate, my lover, ect…….It is really hard right now, because I have found my twin flame, and he is soooo amazing and wonderful, but I keep screwing things up because of romantic overtones and then my ego gets in the way with awkwardness and fear. If I could just see him as my friend, then we would be soooo happy together, like twins, like best friends, healing every hurt I've ever experienced, growing closer to God and better able to help humanity. My angels have let me know that we can't be together as lovers (and maybe not ever) until I have severed that cord of codependence that I have relied on all of my life. I hurt. I have cried a lot. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am out of my comfort zone, and I don't know what the hell I am doing. The fear of hurt hurts more than the actual hurt, I think. I ask my angels to help me release this unhealthy cycle of fear and codependence.
I am much the same way with my friends, mainly just my best friend. I think I over compensate not being in a relationship by relying on him way way way too much. For awhile I was extremely codependent but I've really worked on distancing myself the last few years. Allowing him to be his own person and me to be mine. Being okay with him having other friends and doing things not involving me.
It's a really difficult and hard journey but like you said, you have God and your angles as guides and helpers so you just got to trudge through it and realize that at the end of the tunnel lies lots of happiness. My friend and I are much happier now that boundaries have been formed and we have a much healthier relationship! Many hugs to you Sellica!
I completely understand how you feel. Atm I'm single and I find myself being drawn to bad relationships, mainly my ex gf. She gives me attention that I miss but I know in the end it wouldn't make me happy so it's that whole temp happiness + misery VS temp (?) loneliness + happiness equation.
I'm trying not to make the same mistakes I made in the past but it's hard to see past what I feel/want right now.
I totally understand the need for things that you want in the moment but won't serve you in the long run. The wisdom of knowing that it would be a mistake is an important thing to have, but even the mistakes help us grow. I hope that you can find happiness and contentment now, within yourself. I suffer from wanting attention and affection too and it's a hard thing to just ignore or let go of.
Hopefully you have friends who you can hang out with and spend time with and maybe you won't feel so lonely. Give them a call! Big hugs!
Wow…heavy stuff. If you're happy as you are then why change?
For me, it didn't matter what I read, dreamt or thought about this week, everything came down to two words: F**k it. Sometimes there's immense power in just saying, "F**k it!" and accepting what is. I spend all kinds of time in my own head thinking I need to heal from this, I need to lose weight, I need to deal with that, I need to get the greater lesson. But then it would consistently hit me – maybe the greater lesson is to just throw up my hands and let go, in other words, "F**k it!!! I'm not doing it any more!!!"
I'm find immense freedom in that and I'm beginning to feel like I'm finally getting out of my own way. I shall therefore continue saying, "F**k it!" and letting things go because it's doing my mental faculties a world of good to do so.
Thanks dear! xoxo