It’s been a week and a half since I’ve written a blog post, almost a week and a half since I was diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy. I haven’t felt like myself lately.
I’ve been drowning.
When the paralysis of the right side of my face happened, I handled it like a champ. The first two days I had a positive attitude, I wasn’t letting it get me down, I was rolling with the punches.
Then day three happened and day three really sucked. It really hit me that I can’t laugh or smile. When I try, I look like I’m snarling, cringing, grimacing. I work in retail and I can’t look friendly. If I try then everyone wonders wrong with my face. I don’t look normal. I don’t look happy, and I definitely don’t feel happy.
I do feel guilty.
It’s just a face, it will go back to normal eventually. There are so many people with chronic illness, with permanent disabilities, and here I am, moaning and groaning over the fact that I’m not all smiles. I feel like I don’t have the right to complain, that I’m being petty, that I’m being a big ol’ baby. It’s taken me over a week to be able to write this because I don’t want to be all doom and gloom.
I’ve also fallen into depression.
It’s no secret that I deal with depression, but in the last few years Depression has visited less frequently, leaves rather quickly, with no long lasting signs he was there. This last week has seen Depression and I as best friends who curl up in bed together. He’s definitely been wearing out his welcome.
It’s been a perfect storm.
The Bell’s Palsy happened to coincide with my menstrual cycle, which usually gives me a mild case of the blues. On top of that I was experiencing the flu-like symptoms which usually accompany Bell’s Palsy. Did I mention I was put on steroids? Talk about mood swings! I spent a whole day in bed crying, and then another, and all of my usual feel-better methods stopped working. I kept telling myself that these feelings if despair were not my reality.
I didn’t want to work, or write, and I started to doubt what I do and why I do it and if I’m meant to do it. I just bought a brand spankin’ new video camera. I was so excited to start working on my next big dream for Blessing Manifesting. Now the thought of sitting in front of a video camera and talking to you makes me cringe. I know you’ll love me anyway, but at the same time I want to give you my best and brightest.
I’m trying to take it one day at a time.
I hope this week will be better! (Due to my nutso work schedule my week always starts on Thursday!) I want to be back to my shiny self, I want to feel like writing, I want to feel like what I have to say is worth putting out into the world. Blessing Manifesting is about loving yourself and loving your life. Despite the fact that right now I’m not so in love with my life, I do still retain a massive amount of love for myself and compassion for what I’m going through.
This too shall pass.
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Praying for you. I too have been suffering from depression. Thank You for sharing your story. Thank you for reminding me This To Shall Pass. I will be Praying for You. God Bless!
Big hugs! I am sending good thoughts your way too lovely. We are much to awesome to be hanging out with Depression. <3 xoxo
OMG you are really dealing with the challenges that are called life, i hope you feel better real soon, i have also been dealing with health issues for several year's, i take all my problems and see them as test, sometimes i get an A or D, but never a F, because i don't see all these health issues as failures, only bumps in the way and some bigger than what we expect so i have to keep on pushing foward and love myself as iam. So blessing to you.
the same here…….I also have a visit from my old pal Depression, and you are right, we're much too awesome to have this Black Cloud visiting us…..uninvited! I am sending you lots of love, be strong, you are the Best!
Don't forget Dominee, that sometimes it's good to have some lows, because how else would you appreciate the highs when they come by?
But I too have had my fair share of tangles with depression, and I know it's not fun. I know about how hard it is to get in front of the camera when you're not feeling, I don't unless I feel alright myself. But you're right, we will love you no matter what. Showing your vulnerable side is part of what makes you so lovable, it helps people like me to feel not so alone when wonderful ladies like yourself are so open about it.
Hang in there, you are right, it too shall pass. And do some of those lovely things for yourself that you have always wanted to do, but haven't yet. :) You deserve it. :)
I'm so sorry to hear about this. But it's good to know it is not a permanent thing, and that you should be back to your bright and smiling self in time. Giving Time its chance to work, though, can be tough, I know.
First of all, when I saw the title of this blog post, I practically squealed in excitement. I've been living by those words, this too shall pass, for the past month or so and I'm highly considering getting it tattooed onto my body! Anyway, sorry to hear about the depression- that is a LOT going on at one time! Cut yourself some slack. I know it's a bummer & it sucks, but remember you can fight through it! Indulge yourself, let yourself cry & eventually things will get better, because they have to. And they always do. Sending lots of love & happiness.
P.S. Pleaseee do a video soon! EE! I'm so excited for that!
I am very sorry that this happened you … I would advise you to make you do a vosita of controll by an acupuncturist. Has no contraindications! a kiss and a hug, and I hope you will soon make a video, I'll try to figure it all despite my limited English language! :D
Thinking of you, of course! My co-worker that also has Bell's Palsy has been struggling in some of these same ways. I am sorry to hear you have all these other factors putting you under the weather as well. Hopefully this week will be an improvement! Did you get my package yet? I need to do a tracking on it… I've been terribly lazy.
I definitely love your attitude and I'm trying to adopt that attitude. Even though it's hard to acknowledge the positives in the situation, I definitely see that there will be some growth coming from this and I look forward to being able to look back and appreciate what has happened.
Sending you the same Tineke! We are stronger, braver, and more powerful than depression could ever be!
That is very true! I went shopping for new curtains and bedsheets and pillows and it's wonderful what a little retail therapy can do for a girl!
Patience was never my strong suit but I'm trying! Thank you! ((<3))
I'm excited too! It should be a week or two but it will happen!
I think that would be a great idea for a tattoo also!
Lots of love, hugs, and kisses to you Colubrina! Thank you!
((HUGS!!)) Definitely a better week, two fantastic days so far and I'm not complaining!
giant hugs darling ((((((((((((Dominee)))))))) I thought you might be off licking your wounds/ grieving and practicing good self care by allowing yourself to have all of those emotions. . IDK how on earth you were so up beat in the 1st place ! My hats off to you for not freaking out sooner. I believe I would have been in serious reaction mode from go. Thank you for sharing that it has been difficult for you and how beautifully deep our journeys can be. Of course we still love you no matter what and we can wait for videos if that is what you choose. You are always at your best and brightest even when it feels like darkest, dingiest time ever. Who could blame anyone for missing their own laughter, their own smile ? This does suck, and yes there will be a bright side but we ain't there yet. xoxo
So very sorry that you've been visiting "the pit". I am praying that this too shall pass for you, and that you will be back, glowing brighter than ever, soon. (((((HUGS)))))
Hi Dominee, I have been reading your recent posts and have to say you could put all this knowledge in a little book! Very relevant to me right now. P.s I also loved the Labyrinth! I think I saw it for the first time when I was about ten and even more weird, I had a little crush on Mr Bowie! How times change! Thanks for sharing your wisdom, love to you :-) Louise