This whole year I’ve felt myself drawing within, pulling away, burrowing inside of my own skin where it feels safe and comfortable.
I was pulling away from what I do, distancing myself from the reality of the big dreams that I have. It’s terrifying to be so close to something you want so badly with the knowledge that each step that brings you closer to success also brings you nearer to failure and the possibility of everything going wrong.
Pulling away gives you the false sense of security that what you want will be waiting for you when you’re stronger, braver, ready-er to go for it. The dream will always be there while the reality might crash and burn around you, leaving you with not even that wistful fantasy.
So you have to decide – do you really want it, or do you just want the dream of it?
You can make excuses that help you feel better, that let you believe that it’s just not meant to be, but at the end of the day if you really want it, you won’t let anything stop you. I made a lot of excuses for why I was pulling away from this and from my writing without really getting to the root of it. It’s so much easier to look at the surface than to look for the brutally real and raw reasons.
“Oh that’s just the way you are.”
“You’re an introvert remember. You can’t change yourself.”
“You have limited energy, you need to follow your own self care and take a step back.”
“It’s okay, it’s just a little break.” (and you tell yourself this over and over for days and weeks and months in an effort to push the guilt away.)
The truth was, I was scared.
I was terrified of failure. Of not being good enough. Of not being talented enough or wise enough or creative enough. Not enough. That’s what I’ve been struggling with. I really want to do good work, I want to inspire others to discover their own wisdom, I want to trigger ‘ah ha!’ moments, I want to do what I can to change the world and make it better, I want to let women like me know that they can be happy and have an amazing life even when they’re dealing with depression and anxiety and other hard stuff. Being able to come home to a life that you created and a routine that comforts you and makes you happy. To feel at home in your own skin when the world around you is in chaos – that’s invaluable.
Last year was really big for Blessing Manifesting and this year I found myself subconsciously pulling away from that. I stopped writing as much, I stopped putting as much of myself into my words, and then I pulled away completely for a few months, telling myself that I was just taking a break when really it felt like I was saying goodbye.
I was scared that I was going to fail, that I was going to mess up.
I had a reader tell me that my personality wasn’t right, that I had to be this big ball of spirit, compassion, and love. Don’t get me wrong, those are huge parts of me but it’s not all I am. That shook my confidence a little bit, not being what someone wants me to be.
Hi there, I’m Dominee, recovering people-pleaser.
Eventually, I got back on the horse, I wrote things because I felt like I was supposed to, that I couldn’t give up, couldn’t be a failure. My writing suffered. It lacked heart, it lacked spirit, it was missing me and I could feel the hollowness in the words that I wrote. But I didn’t give up. I pushed through it and now I am committed to showing up, to trying, to being here with as much heart and soul as I can muster.
It’s hard to be vulnerable. It’s one of the scariest things in the world to crack open your chest and say
This is who I am inside.
Please find me worthy, and lovable, and good enough. – says that small voice inside.
And sometimes you don’t feel any of those things but you’ve got to show up anyway. Be vulnerable, the world needs so much more of it. Even when you don’t feel strong enough, or brave enough, or good enough, try anyway.
That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year and I only hope that I can continue to remember it and to live it.
Here’s to an amazing 2015.