A Different Kind of Abandon

Abandon. I hate that word. It brings to the forefront of my mind all of my abandonment issues, ones that I still struggle with. It’s a trigger to unpleasant feelings and emotions.

My past is littered with abandonment. My biological father died without wanting to meet me, and my family and relationships have never been what I would call stable or reliable.

Abandon: that thing that people do to me.

I’ve been struggling with abandonment lately. It’s one of those fights that looks like something out of Lord of the Rings. Big, evil, gnarly looking bad guys against little ol’ me. Abandonment, and fighting against it when there’s a chance it might win in the end anyway, is tough work. It’s still worth trying.

I was reading, as I generally am because I’ve got mad bookworm skills (friend me on Goodreads my fellow book junkies), when I noticed the word abandon used in its other form. One that’s not so scary. One that makes me think of running through spacious fields and feeling free.

noun

1. complete lack of inhibition or restraint.
“She sings and sways with total abandon.”

Who doesn’t need more of that kind of abandon in their life?

Not that I’m calling you stuffy or anything, I’d never, but sometimes we just have to let go and to add a little of that kind of abandon into our lives. It makes the word less terrifying and it makes life more enjoyable.

I’ve been making a conscious effort to allow myself to feel abandon. It may be dancing in the dark with my body moving to the music, feeling nothing but the music and allowing myself to become lost (psst Loreena Mckennitt – Marco Polo best dance song ever). Or jogging for the first time in forever and loving the way that my legs move. Painting while I let the rest of the world completely fade from me as I immerse myself in paints and textures. Or the way words just seem to flow out of me in beautiful and coherent ways. It’s all magic.

There are so many little ways scattered throughout the day that we can embrace that feeling. It usually starts with allowing yourself to focus on one thing and then allow yourself to be lost within it with no distractions. My challenge for you is to embrace that feeling abandon. What are you going to do today?

When was the last time you let yourself be uninhibited? When were you last unrestrained and wild?