A Secret About Anger
You know, there’s sometimes this view of me, and people like me, a misunderstanding that because I focus on positivity and mindfulness that I must have my life together. That everything is perfect. Oh how that makes me laugh. In truth, I’m just like you and you’re just like me. Don’t forget to check out my anger workbook!
Did you know that I get angry?
In truth, sometimes I get really angry.
I get jealous, I get resentful, I get sad, I get lonely, I experience all of those things and sometimes it’s difficult and it’s the last thing I want to deal with but I do it anyway.
I’ve always had anger issues, explosive anger issues. I remember trying to hit and kick my mom when I was a teenager. I remember my penchant for throwing things and slamming doors. My extreme (and even abusive) actions when I was angry were due to so many things. No one taught me how to process anger in a healthy way. I didn’t understand or have coping skills. I didn’t know how to regulate my emotions. So in addition to anger – I also felt so much shame. And that made it difficult to get help.
And it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
How we handle, process, and cope is important though. We need to learn healthy coping skills.
I think it’s especially hard, as women, to own up to our anger. It’s an inconvenient emotion that we can’t usually do anything with except to let it go, or in most cases, stuff it down and pretend that it doesn’t exist. We tend to think of our anger in terms of how it affects other people, instead of how it affects us.
I’ve been working on my anger for years now, and I’ve learned a few things. Most spiritual gurus will tell you to release thy anger. However, you can’t just get angry and release it, like a game of hot potato. You’ve got to work through it first. You’ve got to hold onto it, move it around in your hands, figure out the why and the how of it, and what you’re going to do with it, only then can you truly release it and let it go.
When you are angry and not dealing with it, it will usually manifest in some other way. You’ll find yourself being passive aggressive towards the object of your anger, you might start getting anxious, or depressed, or guilty, or even worse, you’ll start oozing negativity all of the time.
You just gotta find a way to deal with it.
Be compassionate.
Being angry doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. Wanting to express that anger doesn’t mean that you have bad impulse control. It doesn’t mean that there’s any fault with you. Everybody gets angry and you are allowed to honor that. Trust in your ability to handle it and handle it well instead of forgetting about it or ignoring it.
Learn why you are angry.
Sometimes it’s not even anger. Anger can mask guilt, hurt, insecurities, and a whole slew of other emotions. For example, it’s easier to be mad at your boyfriend for arriving 10 minutes late to a date, than to admit that maybe you’re scared that he’s cheating because it’s happened in past relationships. Get to the bottom of your anger. Maybe you’ll realize that you’re just tired and stressed and little things are getting to you, or maybe you’ll realize that there’s this pool of unresolved anger within you that’s close to boiling over.
Discover what you can do about it and do it.
Think about what you can do to deal with your anger. Maybe it’s one of those situations that can be resolved by lots of deep breathing or jotting down your feelings in your journal. Or perhaps it’s time for a conversation with someone. One of the things I’ve learned (although it’s quite obvious) is not to talk about the anger when you’re in the midst of feeling it with the person that you’re angry at!
Wait until you’ve cooled down. That includes, texts, tweets, facebook statuses, and emails! Most of the time you’re not going to be eloquent, you’re going to be too aggressive, or too defensive, and you’re not going to get your point across in a way that’s ultimately going to be constructive.
Anger is a tricky thing, but when you learn to control it, instead of letting it control you, a lot of healing begins to take place and that spills over into other areas of your life. It’s worth the work.
I love this post, anger is such a powerful emotion! The thing that helps me most is paying attention to anger/frustration building in me. I have a tendency to hold it in and then explode but when I am aware of and take care of anger building in me its much easier. Anger always has a purpose – its telling us something!
I'm from a family where there was shouting and doors were slammed, so I can relate :-)
Like you I try to release anger. At least I do when it's very strong. When it's just one notch above annoyance, I have a good hard rational look at it and see if it's really worth it being worked up about this, and sometimes I manage to then breathe my way out of it, or even laugh. If I'm really really angry, I need to express is somehow. I find physical movement is, once again, the way to go. Stomping around, or boxing a pillow, all work, but the best thing is a number of long, fast strides outside in the fresh air. That always brings me to my senses sooner or later.
If all else fails, and I can't really escape, I've learned to SAY that I'm angry, in a strong voice: "I'm SO angry right now!" At least that gives people a warning :-)
I usually like to write down how I feel angry in a journal without filtering my thoughts and feelings, but I keep it private, because if other people saw what I thought, they’d be pretty offended. It’s nice to lose some steam that way though. I heard about the practice of sending letters to someone you’re angry about, a problem in your life, or even something more abstract. Like how you feel about money by writing a letter to money, or writing a letter to a public figure who doesn’t know you, like politicians or celebrities you don’t like. I find that makes me feel better. Though I find distracting myself helps me cool down. I think to me, there needs to be a balance with not having too much distraction nor too much direct emotional processing. Either extreme seems to end badly. Other times, I don’t write it. I would just daydream what I would say to someone or something, and if I need to have a moment to imagine punching someone in the face while I punch a pillow, I give myself time to do it until I feel like distracting myself from it and moving on is something I’m ready to do now. If I feel frustrated with a general issue in the world, I try to take action to do something about it, which seems to be what motivates me to help the majority of the time. Frustration. Though I guess I have to slow down and take care of myself first, because if I followed my frustration all the time, I would do have to intervene to every unfair situation I find, and with the amount of those situations on earth, that would be something I’d have to do 24/7.