I’ve had a complicated relationship with my body. I’ve always been fat, I hit puberty and suddenly I was one of the biggest girls in my class. I let it define me for a really long time. It didn’t just define what I thought about my body but what I thought about myself. I felt like my weight made me an unattractive, unworthy, person.
If you’ve read my post, The Body Sacred, then you’ll know about my weight struggles which are a bit topsy-turvy.
Slowly I started this self-love journey and I suddenly saw my body in a brand new way. My weight wasn’t defining how I felt about myself, how I felt about myself defined how I felt about my weight and body. I tentatively started to fall in love, and that’s when I saw that I wasn’t taking care of my body. I was over-eating every day, I never exercised… and my thoughts started to shift. I started to watch what I ate and I started exercising and it wasn’t from a place of “I need to lose weight to love my body” but from a place of “I love my body so I want to lose weight.”
And wouldn’t you know? After over a decade of frustrating, failed, diets – I lost 70lb over the course of a year. And then guess what happened? Everyone started commenting about my weight – but it wasn’t positive anymore. There were jokes all of the time about how I needed a cheeseburger, teasing about having an eating disorder, and suddenly all of that self-loathing about my body came back.
And I stopped caring. I ate what I wanted when I wanted and those old impulses of emotional-eating came back.
I fell into a depression and the urge to be active just disappeared.
Last night I was thinking that over the Winter I’ve gained weight, my eating habits have been terrible, I’ve managed to get a cold once each month. I started thinking about Summer and jogging/running (which I love), basketball (which I’m not very good at but love anyway), and how my Winter-weight would easily come off. I could go back to focusing on my love for myself instead of what other people think.
On my personal twitter account, I tweeted: “Random thought. I’m wondering how much I weigh. I think I need to lose 15ish pounds. Can’t wait till Summer.”
This was the response I got from one of my “friends”:
“Really? You don’t think you look HIV-y enough?”
That completely floored me and crushed me. It wasn’t funny. And all of those thoughts came flooding back.
I felt incredibly uncomfortable in my own body. Again.
I felt like a 200+lb woman, stuck in a 130lb body, where everyone saw me as 80lb. It was terrible.
It sent me into a tailspin of depression. This wasn’t from a random person on the internet. It was from someone I’ve known for seven years. Someone I see on a weekly basis at work. Someone I considered a friend.
I went back to the place of “You look so hideous.”
However, my mind refused to agree. 
“You ARE beautiful,” my mind said over and over. “You look beautiful.” And after a while, my hurt heart began to agree.
So I decided I was going to go home and take a picture of my BEAUTIFUL body. Stretch marks and all. Curves and all. That’s me and I know that I am beautiful. I no longer demean my body and I will not allow someone else to do so. I love my body and I do not give permission to anyone to disparage my body.
Are you EFFING kidding me?! That comment is inappropriate on SO many levels that I keep looking at it again to make sure it wasn't a typo or something. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a body-shaming comment, but I MIGHTILY APPLAUD your response. HECK YES, you're beautiful. And you're an inspiration. <3 <3 <3
Wow. That truly is one of the most insensitive things I've ever heard – on SO many levels. What is beautiful is your response. I'm sorry you suffered for a week over this but to come back to the space of love for your body is awesome and brave and true! I think you are beautiful inside and out, Dominee.
*hugs*
People can be unthinkingly cruel.
Your commitment to loving, honouring and protecting your body is wonderful and if we all could do that we'd be a much happier, healthier, more supportive culture.
Thank you for sharing.
~Haloquin xx
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I am so proud of you and honor you for being so brave and standing strong within what you know to be true! I have been the opposite of you…I also am 5'1", spent all my young adult life with people telling me I was too thin, looked sickly and needed to gain weight. It hurts so much when others feel they need to judge and tell you how you need to be or look. What was said to you is so inappropriate and cruel, I applaud you for being able to return to love and respond from a place of love and acceptance. You inspire me ♥
@Meg Thank you Meg! <3
@Loran I think I came out so much better for it. So much more in love with my self and my body and my ability to just let go. I didn't pursue the conversation. I just cut off all communication with the person and shall leave it at that. This was a good lesson for me of choosing my friends more wisely as well.
@haloquin.net Thank you Haloquin! I really hope to inspire everyone to try to honor their bodies they way they should be honored. You're right, we would all be better off for it!
@Allurynn It does hurt when people say things about being too skinny. I don't think that a lot of people understand that demeaning someone's weight, even when they are smaller, is demeaning and hurtful.
I am proud of me too! This definitely held a lot of lessons for me.
Thank you for inspiring me as well my lovely Goddess Sister!
@Gin Thank you Gin! I love you too! I am actually so thankful for this experience because I learned a lot from it. I really need to be wiser in picking my friends.
How rude of your 'friend'… bah!
They can't help it if they are so narrow minded and twisted thanks to commercials and television but the least they can do is watch their words. I'm the total opposite, I'm too skinny and wish to gain some weight but nothing works. And yes, from time to time I hear these kind of comments too… it's just a challenge to keep strong and filled with self-love. A small reminder that nothing can pull us down.
And you ARE beautiful indeed <3
I'm proud of you!
Lindsay
This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us. I wrote a post a while back about my struggles with being so skinny and it's not fun when you have people constantly telling you to eat and that you don't eat enough and constantly asking me if I've lost more weight when I've been the same weight for YEARS. Anyway, all I see is beauty from you. It shines from inside of you and it lights up all that you are and all that you do. :) I'm glad you're moving past that dark place and that misguided person to a place of self-love. Very proud of you!
@Lindsay Drya Vanhove Filled with self love, the perfect way to be! Thank you! I have definitely learned that I need to pick my friends more wisely!
@Dya. Thank you Dyamond, it was hard to get it all out but I am glad that I did, and I feel so much better for it. I think this was a bonding moment I needed with my body to really finally move past the past. Thank you for being part of the beauty in my world! The world needs more beautiful, bright, shiny ones like us!
I feel your heart Dominee as I read your post…..as well as my heart reaching out to yours………….your friend's projecting onto you is just that, a projection………I believe things are given to us to show us wherein our work lies……and you seem to be willing and ready……actually you are already doing the work to raise your consciousness and awareness……….keep diving deep within Dominee……you are such an inspiring soul…..much love!
You brave beautiful woman.
What a beautifully honest post Dominee. It's frustrating how people feel they have the right to make such comments with little regard for someone elses' feelings.
I don't blame you for being pissed- it's great that it gave you such an important topic to talk about- thanks so much for sharing your inner thoughts.
Dominee, you are a BEAUTIFUL woman, inside and out! I love your writing, too — so comforting and inspirational.
What a powerful, brave, and amazing post, Dominee. I'm sorry that person said such a thing to you… what an awful thing to say. Bravo to you for the way you've handled it, and for knowing the truth about your self and your body. You are fabulous! I love you and I love your attitude. ♥
What a beautiful blog post. I can not believe someone would say that comment to you Dominee. I am glad that you were able to type this post and end in the mind set that you ended in, because you are so beautiful! such a beautiful person inside and out… you are a beautiful light shining in this world. Don't let anyone ever make you think otherwise.
Love,
Amanda
I LOVED reading your response to this! Bravo! My whole life I was always underweight, trying to gain weight and heard some pretty ugly things from people including my own family. I was called Olive Oil for years and it hurt. Then after having two kids whom I love more than life I gained the much needed weight but then it was my stretch marks that got me a whole new set of insults. Mainly from men. I STILL struggle with body image and I am SO thankful for your post and for you just being the beautiful Goddess you are!
Wow. Powerful, strong, beautiful… these are my reactions to both your post and your photo. I too am so VERY glad you hit publish. You are a serious inspiration, Dominee – much, much love from my heart to yours.
Wow. Why would anyone SAY something like that? I am glad you wrote about it.
And also – personally I think that HIV comment says far more about the person who said it than it says about you. Clearly they have some body issues of their own.
Dominee, you are such a gorgeous, wise, special woman. The way you share yourself is just so beautiful and special. Thank you so much for this!!!!
Wrap it in love and let it go Dominee. Don't give your power away to someone else. Don't hold a grudge just let it go ……….its not about you its about her own insecurities and issues. You are an incredibly beautiful soul don't ever doubt that. Listen to your heart its telling you that. I love your raw honesty, thats one of the many things that makes you beautiful.
Love and sparkles
Sally
I know someone with HIV and he in fact looks quite vibrant and well, which further reinforces the ignorance of the comment made to you. I'm glad to see that you've felt stronger as time passed x
@VedaSun Thank you Gina. This was a real eye opener into what issues I still hold on to about my body, but I am receptive to those lessons and going with them.
@Fran Thank you so much Fran! <3
@Petrea It did open up such a beautiful dialogue for other women. I am so grateful that it provided such an open and honest place for others to share their stories.
@Petrea It did open up such a beautiful dialogue for other women. I am so grateful that it provided such an open and honest place for others to share their stories.
You ARE beautiful, Dominee. A number on a scale doesn't change the beauty you (and all of us) exude from the inside and out. I was once the 130ish pound woman who people would tell to go eat and now I'm the 200ish pound woman who people give the sad looks to when I sit down to eat (even if it's a salad). That was an ignorant and unkind comment your "friend" said. Some people will always judge silently or not so silently. Typically, those are the people who are most envious. We don't have to be the same way and the way you handled it was brave, beautiful, and with a heart of love. XO
I hope that your "friend" is now an EX-"friend." You are perfect and beautiful just as you are.
There was a message this week in my Notes from the Universe that I think was meant to be shared with you.
"The need to criticize simply belies a longing for recognition, appreciation, and validation. None of which, however, can be obtained through criticism."
And you do glow… just as you are. Tell that "friend"… "Bite me."
That was such an honest post! Thank you for your courage and strength. Interesting how you're complex didn't happen, until you lost the weight! I would have assumed it was the other way around. But, then again, I can relate. A couple of years ago I released about 15 pounds – not a lot of weight, but it was noticeable. I was feeling fine, until someone at work warned me not to loose too much – because, ' hips were in'. I remember purposely eating junk food as a way to, 'keep my hips'. Plain foolishness! Now, I just had my baby 7 weeks ago and I'm struggling mentally to be patient with myself and to love my body through this transition back to my prepregancy self. This post has reminded me that Self Love is so important. Thank you!
your fearlessness is beyond beautiful. thank you sharing this deeply intimate and honest post. i am so inspired by this. LOVE and HUGS and GRATITUDE
Wow, you have EVERY RIGHT to be pissed off! I cannot even fathom someone saying that to someone! I am so sorry you had to deal with that! But thank you for being so FIERCE and brave and open with us! Keep loving yourself fiercely! You are such an inspiration!
Sometimes people say insensitive things without even realising how it can affect others. Good on you for choosing not to believe it and to love yourself!
I think when people make comments like the one your "friend" made, it is born out of jealousy on their part, which is sad. It is sad that your friend couldn't be supportive of you. Weight is such a funny, personal thing. At 5'1", 130, you are actually very healthy! Kudos to you for loving your body, no matter what you weigh. ☺
hi Dominee just found your blog and love it will add it to my google reader , now please rid yourself of that toxic person in your life shes no friend , stand strong and proud and dont let her bring u off your goddess pedestal….
hugz bev
I Never believed i was ever going to be HIV Negative again,Dr odumodu has given me reasons to be happy, i was HIV positive for 2years and all the means i tried for treatment was not helpful to me, but when i came on the Internet i saw great testimony about Dr on how he was able to cure someone from HIV, this person said great things about this man, and advice we contact him for any Disease problem that Dr odumodu can be of help, well i decided to give him a try, he requested for my information which i sent to him, and he told me he was going to prepare for me a healing portion, which he wanted me to take for days, and after which i should go back to the hospital for check up, well after taking all the treatment sent to me by Dr odumodu, i went back to the Hospital for check up, and now i have been confirmed HIV Negative, friends you can reach Dr odumodu on any treatment for any Disease he is the one only i can show you all up to, reach him on (drodumoduspiritualpower@gmail.com)