This morning, a lovely lady named Anne commented on the my Facebook page.
“How do I start to learn to love myself.”
I then realized that out of the over 300 blog posts here at Blessing Manifesting I don’t think any of them accurately cover what that question asks. After a little bit of
((Check out my Self-Love Workbook))
Get to the root of why you don’t love yourself.
What about you is so unlovable?
When was the first time you can remember feeling that way?
There are so many reasons why you might have trouble loving yourself, why it isn’t your default setting like it is for other people.
Update 2022: From these things, I created the Self-Love Foundations.
The first step is focusing on your mental health. Fight like a freaking warrior. For the longest time I thought depressed + anxious was my default setting. I lived by those waves of depression. Sometimes it got better, but it was rarely from something I was actively doing. I just lived with it.
And then I decided I couldn’t anymore. Literally.
I tried everything (aside from medication because at that point in my life I was stubborn and scared of the stigma. I’ve since learned better). I learned to advocate for myself. Self-care became
Relationship trauma or trauma in your family. Someone telling you that you weren’t good enough or someone’s actions who made you feel small and worthless.
Work through those feelings. Find a way to separate yourself the baggage that someone else piled on top of you. Some people aren’t capable of loving us in a nourishing way. It’s about them. Their issues, their mental health, their lack of empathy and compassion – and it has nothing to do with your worthiness as a person.
You were always worthy of being loved and feeling good about yourself.
You’ve been so busy loving everyone else and taking care of everyone else that you forgot you’re a human too who deserves the same love and attention as anyone else.
You’ve got to learn to turn those feelings toward yourself as weird and strange as it feels at first.
Fix what needs to be fixed. Accept what needs to be accepted.
Right now I could tell you that you should love and accept yourself just how you are, and that’s true to some extent. You are deserving of love just as you are in this moment, no matter how flawed or broken you perceive yourself to be.
To really love yourself, you gotta be someone worth loving, in your own opinion. I’ll tell you a little bit about me. Before I started my self-love journey I was extremely depressed, I had so many anger issues, and I had terrible impulse control. I was a big
So I fixed what I needed to fix. I started trying alternative methods to improve my moods, I researched anger management, I did the work and when I started to see the results and the subtle changes not only did I feel proud, but I felt the love.
I’m not saying that you need to change yourself, to love yourself by any means. I think the first step is to look at yourself and look at your life and ask yourself:
What’s stopping you?
Sit with that answer, feel it out, and ask yourself if what happens next is change or acceptance. There’s no ‘right way’. I have tons of flaws, believe me, they are there and sometimes they are glaring, but none of them stop me from loving myself. They are a part of who I am. I know that I am not perfect and I know that I don’t need to be.
Realize that you don’t have to be perfect to be loved.
Truer words were never typed. If you wait until you are perfect to love yourself you will be waiting forever. If you aren’t a parent, imagine you are, the minute you see your child, you fall in love with them simply because they exist.
You probably have someone in your life that you love unconditionally don’t you?
Why do you love them? Because it’s worth it, because they are worth it. Not because they are perfect. Reflect that back to yourself. No matter what, you’re worth loving. You hold so much awesomeness right inside of you, so much love for other people, so many big dreams and hopes and if all that isn’t worth loving, then I don’t know what is.
Get to know yourself.
Seriously! Figure out who you are and what you want. Discover what you believe and know what your values are. It’s just like dating someone new, you really have to figure out who they are before you fall in love.
So often when we don’t love ourselves we kinda just take on the things we love about the people around us – like a chameleon. We see what they like and because we want to please them we decide that’s what we like. We’re not living our lives for ourselves but in an effort to please someone else. Discover who YOU really are.
Let go of the past, let go of your bad deeds, let go of your shame, let go of those things that you think about in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. Live your amends. If you’ve done something bad, then live your life in a good way, in a positive way. Putting that out into the world does more good than hating yourself ever could.
Forgive other people too, if you can – if it feels right. If someone put you down, if your parents or an ex-spouse or partner made you feel like you weren’t good enough, or you weren’t worth loving, let that go and forgive yourself. Holding on to that serves no purpose for you or anyone else. Letting go of that baggage is so (veryvery) hard, but it’s worth it. Cross my heart.
Practice Self Care.
Make time to do things for yourself. Making time for the things that you love and the things that make you feel good is so important. It’s putting into action what you are already feeling. Self Love and Self Care go hand in hand, one is the feeling and one is the action. It’s the equivalent of a big ol’ hug, or a passionate kiss, to yourself. You wouldn’t love someone who never showed you affection or did anything nice for you now would ya!?
Don’t give up.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. If you’re just now starting your journey, it might be rough going for a little while. You might get frustrated, you might feel like giving up, or that it’s too much work, or it’s stupid, or you’ll never be good enough, or it’s not important enough but let me tell you a secret:
If you don’t give up, you WILL start loving yourself.
It’s worth your time.
You are so worth the time and the effort.
What’s your #1 Self-Love tip to start loving yourself?
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My #1 self love act is to change the way I talk to myself in my head. In a recent training, we learned a simple move to help "Catch it, Check it, Change it". Am I really all that lazy for not dusting my house ? Like that little voice in my head might shout- that is the catch it stage. Now for checking it- Is it important to Me now or at all ? Who's rule is it to dust ( or whatever ) 2x a week ? Who said that ? My mother, a tv show, my ex, etc? Do I really feel that way ? Changing it, would I yell at a friend and call them lazy ? No. So what would I say to a friend ? I might say something like "you have been super busy, or if it makes you feel that bad why not take 5 mins and dust you are worth it."
Speaking of my inner mean cleaning voice, I think I will go make my bed ! I am worth it ! lol xoxox
"You don't have to be perfect to be loved" is beautiful! Great sharing.
Beautiful post Dominee! I think the hardest self love lesson I had to learn was worth. Something I even still battle with. But with constant reminders to myself and practicing meditation it's becoming easier every day.
awesome tips Dominee! another great valuable post…….and your Self-Love product looks so awesome!
So loving this blog post! I've printed it out andI'm going to read it several times today to help reinforce the message. :)
Ahhh what a beautiful photo, and a topic that is just what I needed right now because 'self-love' is my 2013 word! I think the 'accepting what needs to be accepted' is a big step for me, I'm so used to pushing and pushing whereas I've just realised some things can be ok as they are, at least for now.
Thank your Dominee, wonderfully said – such a worthy post!!. And wonderful comments, too. For me the start was that feeling of "But s.o. has to love me" – or that lack of unconditional love I was feeling. And the moment that i realized that I am this person. For me it was connected with the healing of my inner child.
For all those brave hearts on their journey to self-love (but feeling that they are not loveable) I would recommond to take into consideration to try EFT / Tapping: "Although I feel I am not loveable at all I would love to love and accept myself " could be a good starting point.
A wonderfully wise post Dominee! My number one self lo e how to is to take some time to play; whether its dancing or doing art or being silly. Taking time for me with no particular outcome in mind That's for me!
Instant classic Blessing Manifesting post! This definitely needs to go in the "best of".
Love the post, and the comments, here!
This is very cool, as I've been working on a blog post about it (it's been taking some time for me to do, as my computer access has recently been limited) ~ seeing your recent post on self-love while I'm working on a blog post about self-love/unconditional love is a beautiful blending of energies on the web!
Lovely post Dominee! My #1 self-love tip is to be yourself – it's hard to love a fake, so the more I just allow myself to be me – with all my quirks and foibles and wonderful weirdnesses, not a strange blend of characteristics and tastes that I thought I 'should' have, the easier it is to love me! x
thanks for share.
Great post, Dominee! My #1 self-love tip would be to remember that we're our own worst enemy. If you're examining your 'stuff,' make sure you do it from the place of a compassionate observer, as if you were examining the behaviours, foibles, etc of a lovely seven-year old version of yourself. It's harder to be quite as mean to her/him as to the person you believe yourself to be now. But in reality, we are that seven year old, just buried under layers of self-protective stuff we've taken on for whatever reason over time. If you can send your love to her/him, you're sending it to you :)
Great post. I'm so sharing this :)
great advice, dominee. and i especially appreciate your first tip – "get to know yourself." we should be our own best friends.
This is really great advice and I will take all your lessons to heart in my quest to like me a bit better.
I really needed to hear this tonight, I have always struggled to be more than just someone, wether it be for family members, friends, etc.
I am on a new enlightenment path, have been for 3 months, that's a huge thing for me :)
Im going to continue, even if I come across things I dont want to face, but need too..
Im really proud of myself, and im finally starting too like me, but I know in time I will love me..
This is such a great place too come, and I love you for making this Beautiful page of yours ;) xoxoxo ♥ ♥
Big day for me on the blog! yet another perfect posting my dear! You are a defining person in my life that is for sure.
I just found your blog from a Facebook group and stumbling upon Blessing Manifesting couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been really depressed and anxious for a number of months now (and throughout most of my adult life) and self love is something I’ve been terrible at. Thank you so much for reminding me of things I need to be reminded of. I can’t wait to read through all your posts.
Really a lovely article. Advice we all need!
Love, love, love the REAL-ness here! “To really love yourself, you gotta be someone worth loving, in your own opinion… so I fixed what needed to be fixed…” YES! I am working on my short temper and whatnot, trying to be lovable in my own eyes, and for others.
“Fix what needs to be fixed. Accept what needs to be accepted.” Pretty much sums it all up! (I’m definitely putting this quote on my wall.) I’m SO GLAD I found this page. Love the rainbows, love the cute pics, and love all the useful tools I’m learning!