The Broken Record Method: For People-Pleasers Especially
If you’ve ever struggled with saying no, setting boundaries, or standing your ground without feeling a huge wave of guilt washing over you – let’s talk about a communication tool that might be helpful: The Broken Record Method. First off, healthy, kind, and respectful communication should always be the first goal of every interaction. Buuuut, there are situations where that’s just not going to work for whatever reason. I wish I would have known about this when I was in my last relationship. They had substance use disorder and every single time I tried to set a boundary it was whittled away. This would have helped. I wanted to give a shoutout to Zoe H. for suggesting this!
So, there are situations where no matter how kind or reasonable you are (or maybe it’s BECAUSE you are kind and reasonable), the other person just isn’t hearing you. Maybe they keep pushing, guilt-tripping, or trying to argue you into changing your mind. This is where the Broken Record Method can help. (If you’re looking for techniques to deal with gaslighting and manipulation – check out the Gray Rock Method)
What is the Broken Record Method?
It’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like. When someone is trying to manipulate you, guilt trip you, or pressure you into changing your mind or changing the subject, you keep repeating the same thing. You’re calm. You’re stating things clearly. And you’re not being pulled into the (very difficult to ignore) urge to over-explain, back down, or unreasonably justify why you feel the way you do. Here’s a simple breakdown.
- Clearly state your boundary or your decision.
- Ignore all attempts to argue, guilt-trip, manipulate, or change the subject.
- Calmly repeat your boundary without over-explaining.
Why it works especially for people-pleasers.
For those of us who struggle with boundaries (hello, fellow recovering people-pleasers), the hardest part usually isn’t about saying “no” the first time (although that’s a huge tough step) but it’s about sticking to that even when someone is pushing back.
The Broken Record Method works because you don’t have to justify your choice, you’re not leaving any room for them to wear you down, and you’re shifting the dynamic to something that’s non-negotiable, which is a position that we rarely find ourselves in because there’s that part inside of us that wants to make other people happy, that *wants* to be the compromiser.
Example: A Guilt-Tripping Parent
Your parent wants you to spend the holidays with them, but you’ve already made other plans and explained your boundaries to them. Instead of respecting your choice, they guilt-trip you.
Them: “Oh. So I guess you just don’t care about family anymore?”
You: “I understand you’re disappointed, but I won’t be coming.”
Them: “I raised you, and this is how you treat me? After everything I’ve done for you?”
You: “I hear that you’re upset, but I won’t be coming.”
Them: “Well, I hope you can live with yourself when I’m gone one day.”
You: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I won’t be coming.”
Why this works: The parent is using guilt to change your mind. Instead of starting a back-and-forth that turns into an argument because you want to defend yourself, you’re just repeating your boundaries. The guilt trip and the emotional manipulation stops working because it has nothing to feed off of.
Things to avoid doing.
Again, in a perfect world – healthy communication would be the go-to. Stating a boundary, explaining the boundary (depending on your relationship), mutual respect, and then moving forward.
Here are some of the things that work against the Broken Record Method.
Over-explaining: The more you justify yourself the more room you give someone to break your boundary down. It’s like a ping-pong game, you’re passing the ball back to them. The Broken Record is the equivalent of holding the ball in your hand and saying “I’m not playing”.
Apologizing excessively: It’s okay to be polite but you don’t need to apologize for setting a boundary. And if you DO apologize, make sure it’s only once. You probably *are* sorry and you do feel bad, but the more you express that, the more the other person can use it as a way to change your mind.
Letting emotions take over: If you start to get frustrated or defensive, it’s easier for the other person to pull you into an argument and then the boundary gets forgotten about.
You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to say no. And you don’t need to explain yourself a hundred times for it to count.
I love this!! It’s funny because I’m afraid the person I’m setting the boundaries with will “figure it out” but they don’t. When I do it I don’t always repeat the boundry itself. I’ll just say, like, I understand, or, yeah I get that, or, I can’t. It works!! Role play with a trusted friend. This is my GO TO! Thank you Dominee, you are the greatest!! (Thank you for the shout out)
I love this!! It’s funny because I’m afraid the person I’m setting the boundaries with will “figure it out” but they don’t. When I do it I don’t always repeat the boundry itself. I’ll just say, like, I understand, or, yeah I get that, or, I can’t. It works!! Role play with a trusted friend. This is my GO TO! Thank you Dominee, you are the greatest!! (Thank you for the shout out)