The Past Is Meant To Guide You

 “I don’t know what to do.
I feel so lost.
So directionless.
So empty, very empty.
Sad too, all sadness.
What do I do?
I sit here.
I write things.
I cry.
And I have no idea why I’m doing it.
Well, I know why I’m crying, what I don’t know is why I’m sitting here not doing anything about it.
I could get motivated. I could set my mind on something else. I could stop feeling sorry for myself. Yeah, right.
Maybe I should concentrate on this oh so wonderful future I’ve been hearing about. Get a better job, go to school, all of that. Funny thing is, I can’t bring myself to want that stuff right now, I haven’t wanted stuff like that in years. Since I was in grade-school. Maybe I’ve just accepted I won’t ever amount to anything special.
I’ve never been very career oriented. I like to write but that’s for fun and nothing else.
So I’m pretty much a nobody in every way possible.
Where is my meaning? I have to have a meaning to someone or something, don’t I? I don’t think I do. If there were a dictionary entry for every person in the world I wouldn’t have a meaning. It would just say: Dominee (n.) Has no meaning, unless you count being sad all of the time, she’s quite good at that.
I just feel like everything is falling apart. I’ve always felt like that. I’m not sure my life has ever felt ‘together’.
I just want to run away to some far away place where I can be alone forever, which is weird because I’m sad and depressed because I am alone. Maybe if it was my choice it would be different. I hate being alive and able to feel all of this pain, it’s not worth it.”

From my journal in 2005 when I was 19.

When I look back at my journals, starting when I was in 7th grade, I am filled with a lot of emotions. Sadness, guilt, anger, compassion, but most of all… pride. Reading my journals is like looking into the mind of someone that is severely depressed, often suicidal, and has no idea how to fix it. I was always made to feel like my mood swings and depression were taboo. I didn’t feel like I was allowed to talk about them and it scared me into being afraid to seek help for years. As a result, my teenage years and early adulthood were nothing short of a long journey into treacherous darkness.

And then I look at myself now.

My eyes tear up with pride and an overwhelming sense of “Thank you dear Dominee for sticking with life. For not giving up.” I look back at the many journals, the many posts on livejournal, and I am completely in awe of my transformation and of my strength, especially when I never saw myself as having any.
As I’m sure you know, my journaling ecourse starts on Sunday and I’m excited because I want to give this gift to you that I unwittingly gave myself. I want you to look back to five years ago and see that you’re not the same person, how you’re stronger and braver and wiser than you used to be. Five years from now I want you to look at your journal and see how you’ve changed since then.
Every important change I’ve made within myself has started by having the courage to write it down and journal about the process. It has served as my guide and my map to how I’ve found myself where I am today.

I couldn’t be happier with my transformation.

I hope that you’ll join us on the Journey Through Journaling. We’re already hanging out in the facebook group talking about journal hoarding, writing tools, and writing. Join the discussion, walk with us, and dig deep into the past, present, and future.