What Is Alexithymia? (Not Knowing Your Emotions)

Have you ever been asked “How are you feeling right now?” and just… drawn a complete blank? No words come to mind. Not because nothing is going on inside of you. Something is definitely going on because you *feel* something… but putting a name to it feels pretty impossible? If that sounds familiar, there’s actually a word for it: alexithymia.

I experienced this a lot when I was younger especially during the years when I was really struggling with depression. My emotions felt like it had been compressed down into two settings: intensely sad and intensely empty. I didn’t have words for anything more than that and at the time, I didn’t even realize that was unusual. (Coming out of depression was a *revelation*)

What is alexithymia?

Alexithymia (pronounced ah-lex-ih-THY-mee-ah. Yes, I had to look that up) comes from the Greek words meaning “no words for emotions.” Alexithymia is not a diagnosis on its own but it’s seen more as a condition, trait, or set of characteristics that describes the difficulty some people have with identifying, understanding, and describing their own emotions.

Here’s what it looks like:

– Having a hard time naming what you’re feeling (beyond “fine,” “bad,” or “I don’t know”)

– Struggling to tell the difference between emotions and physical sensations

– It’s hard describing feelings to other people

– Feeling completely disconnected from emotions

– Noticing physical sensations (tight chest, headache, exhaustion) before you notice an emotional reaction

– Feeling like something is wrong but not being able to explain why

– Going through the motions on a hard day and realizing hours later that you were upset

– Focusing on the facts and logic of the situation more than emotions

– Going blank when asked what you need emotionally

Alexithymia is actually a pretty common experience. Research says it affects around 10% of the general population*. It’s especially common in people with ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and things like that.

It’s not that you don’t have feelings.

People with alexithymia do have emotions. The nervous system is doing its thing but that the signal gets a little lost on the way from feeling it to understanding it / being able to talk about it.

People with alexithymia can sometimes get labeled as cold, emotionally unavailable, or robotic which is a harmful stereotype.

One of the most fascinating (and honestly kind of frustrating) things about alexithymia is how it shows up physically. Because when you can’t identify an emotion in your mind, your body is still out here doing the it’s thing and trying to get your attention. Someone with alexithymia might notice:

Unexplained headaches or stomachaches, especially when stressed

Tension in the shoulders, jaw, or chest without knowing why

Feeling “off” or “weird” without being able to pinpoint the reason

Getting sick more often when life is hard (hello, stress living in your body)

The body is trying to communicate something the brain can’t quite put into words yet. And learning to tune into those physical cues can actually be one of the most helpful tools for people with alexithymia.

Why does alexithymia happen?

It’s complicated. (As most things in mental health are, right? See the Biopsychosocial Model for Mental Health)

Research shows it may be linked to early experiences like growing up in an environment where emotions weren’t talked about, shown, or safe to express. Some of it may just be how a person’s nervous system is wired. Sometimes it’s caused by medication or substance use.

For a lot of people with trauma histories, alexithymia can be a kind of protective response. If feeling your feelings was ever unsafe or overwhelming, your brain learned to kind of… put up a wall.

What can help?

Working on alexithymia boils down to learning how to translate, and connect with, your emotions by creating a connection between body, mind, and emotions.

A few things that help:

Therapy (especially somatic or emotion-focused therapy): Having a professional help you explore your emotions is the best way to go. Somatic therapy in particular focuses a lot on body sensations as a starting point, which is great for alexithymia because those are the things you might usually notice first.

Emotion wheels and vocabulary tools: I know, I know. Using a chart to figure out how you feel sounds weird. But alexithymia makes it hard to find emotion words from scratch, so having a visual reference to point at can help. Instead of staring at a blank page, you’re scanning a list and going “Oh, that one. That’s closer.”

That’s a totally different and much more doable task for a brain that struggles with this. My Feelings Wheel workbook is a good start. It gives you big broad emotion categories (Angry, Sad, Scared, Joyful, etc.) and then layers down into more specific emotions and then the feelings underneath those. That layered approach gives you multiple entry points, so if you can’t name the big feeling yet, you might still recognize something in the middle layer.

Body scanning: Instead of starting with “what am I feeling emotionally,” try starting with “where do I feel something in my body?” Tension? Heaviness? Restlessness?

Connecting those sensations to emotions can help you see your patterns.

Journaling: Even if you write “I don’t know how I feel but something feels off” that’s a start. Putting something on paper gives you something to work with. I like to think of journaling like peeling an onion. You write down the first thing that comes to mind.

And then you ask yourself: Can I figure out what’s underneath that?

And then again and again until there’s nothing left to write.

Slowing down: Alexithymia often gets worse when we’re rushed, overstimulated, or burnt out. Give yourself space. Like literally – schedule a time to sit with your feelings. Creating space and stillness can help the emotional signal come through a little clearer.

It takes time to create those connections.

Like all things mental health – it’s not accomplished in a day.

I had to learn how to make connections. How to follow the line of my feelings.

When I feel this it’s because of this, and leads to this, and means this, and makes me experience this. It’s a whole thing.

But once you start making those initial connections it gets a lot easier. Take it slow and be gentle with yourself. And know that even the tiniest bit of emotional awareness is progress worth celebrating.

Do you relate? I’d love to hear your experiences and what helped you in the comments.