Wishes and Why I Hate Walking Away

I’d love for you to join the Tribe of Wishcasters! Every Wednesday we flock to our blogs, we answer a question, and then we all visit each other and leave a comment like “As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you as well.” It’s a great way to connect, to share, to find GREAT new blogs, and to bring our wishes one step closer to manifesting. So join in! Today we are asked:

What do you wish to walk away from?

Oh question how you make my brain hurt. I ran through a mental list of things that this could apply to. What first popped into my head was judgement of others, but then I realized, I’m pretty sure that I’ve allowed myself to work through a lot of those feelings. My next thought was my childhood, but there’s still lots to dig into, to work through, great big chunks of wisdom to be found. Then I realized what I need to walk away from. Something I’ve struggled with. I wish to walk away from the guilt of walking away. It all comes down to this.

“You don’t just walk away from people. You don’t just throw people away.” – Grey’s Anatomy

That’s how I’ve been conditioned to feel. I’ve been walked away from many times in my life, for no discernible reason. My biological father chose not to be a part of my life. My grandfather disappeared from my life after my grandmother died when I was eleven. Growing up, I had no close family which led me to rely very heavily on my mother. When she got into a relationship that eventually led her to get remarried, I felt like she no longer needed me. She no longer put me first, and to my teenage-self this just felt like one more person who walked away.

I don’t do well with walking away, not from people.

To me, letting someone share with you, in a deep way, and then deciding not to have them in your life is the worst thing that you can do to another human being. Forget mental and verbal abuse, forget constant fighting, forget the fact that being around them makes you miserable. You just don’t leave.

This was showcased best by my first relationship. He was married and spouted that whole I-am-leaving-as-soon-as-I-can with a dash of I-need-to-think-about-my-kid. The relationship tore me down mentally, spiritually, and physically. I was constantly lied to, he never spent time with me, there were so many broken promises, I gave him over a thousand dollars to “help” him move out which I later found out he spent on his wife’s debt. To top it off he ended up having an affair with someone else. That was the breaking point and I broke up with him. Do you know what I did after that? I tried to get back together with him, because you don’t leave people and you don’t let them leave you.

Colossal epic failure.

Funny ending to that story, he walked away from me. I learned buckets of wisdom from that situation. It showcased my lack of self-esteem and self-worth. It showed me where all of the cracks in my soul and heart were. It let me know that I had absolutely no love for myself and it ultimately set me on my current path. Yet I still couldn’t get over my hang up on letting go of people.

I’m getting better. Last year I walked away from a friendship that did nothing but hurt me and drag me down and her down. I still struggle with the guilt of walking away. I still agonize that I should have stuck with it, I regret that decision some days, and other days I pat myself on the back and say “That was growth, keep growing.”

So what this long drawn out tale is meant to say, is that

I wish to walk away from the guilt of walking away.

Sweet wishings to all of you beautiful souls.

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